Happy Hour Plot Twist: You’re Not The Boss Of Me

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I am notoriously forever running late, usually by about 15 minutes. It’s all part of my charm. As I’ve said before Sarah and I always intend on making happy hour but rarely do we succeed. The last few times we’ve attempted this feat we have failed miserably.  There are a few too many costume changes, makeup/hair decisions and other adjustments that inevitably get made causing us to fall behind schedule.  We always manage to pull ourselves together and look damn cute though: sometimes to the detriment of our dating sanity.

I had a Summer Friday recently, peaced out at exactly 3 o’clock, and headed home to make some last minute improvements to my outfit. Most of my ensemble was pretty much set though I still needed to accessorize and fix my face. I had decided on a cute short-sleeved sweatshirt top. Sweatshirt you say? Well, this particular version has a black lace overlay with an exposed zipper. This makes it the perfect combination of cute but casual. Since this was only for happy hour I just needed a quick touch up, lined my eyes, and put on Clinique’s Almost Lipstick in Black Honey. It looks a lot scarier in the tube but once you put it on (depending on how many layers) it can be somewhat sheer.

Top: Showroom Sample | Jeans: Lucky Brand | Shoes: Stuart Weitzman

Top: Showroom Sample | Jeans: Lucky Brand | Shoes: Stuart Weitzman

Not being in the mood for my usual towering heels (we were staying local aka walking) I ransacked my closet for flats. This was a bit tough because I don’t really have any black flats or sandals. Then as it so often happens the light bulb in my brain went off and I knew what to wear. My silver Stuart Weitzman pointy toe flats wound up as a great compliment to the light heather grey of my sweatshirt top. A silver bracelet, necklace, a few midi rings, and a deep side part finished off my happy hour look. I helped Sarah with a quick but adorable hairstyle and we were good to go.

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Just a few minutes, a couple of bobby pins, and Charles Worthington Big Waves Beach Spray make a quick hairdo!

On this particular outing we (once again) missed happy hour but checked out a cute wine bar in the neighborhood. The lovely Katherine met us there to grab a drink and give me her keys. I check on her people-hating cat Emmylou to make sure she’s still alive and to give her someone to hiss at. She loves me in her own way. Anyway, we had some nice wine and chatted as ladies do.  Keys successfully exchanged Katherine retired for the evening and Sarah went to have a cigarette. While I held down the fort at the bar I noticed some girls attempting an “ussie”. I asked if they wanted me to take it for them and we started chatting. Hailey and her wife Jessica had just moved to NYC and had wanted to check out Crate & Barrel. Unfortunately they arrived after the store closed but decided to get a glass of wine instead and so there we all were.

We had such a nice time talking with Hailey and Jessica that eventually we headed out together for a change of scenery. Sarah had been talking to an older gentleman on her cigarette break that had told her about a place not too far from the wine bar. We figured it would be a back up plan if the drag bar Lips didn’t work out. None of us had been there and we were curious as to what the hubbub was all about. Of course on our way out we ran into Old Guy who reminded us about the aforementioned bar. Sarah let him know we would keep it mind and maybe we would see him there later.  Off we went to Lips and were promptly greeted by a fabulous hostess who took our names down. While we waited we hit the bathroom and became increasingly impatient. The wait was way too long and honestly we just wanted another drink. Back up plan in action we were able to find seats at Old Guy’s bar of choice.

The bar looked cute, the décor was nice, and the drinks started flowing. We actually couldn’t find the bar at first and some random guy gave us directions. He told us to ask for a specific bartender so we sidled right up to the bar and said hi. Shy, delicate flowers we are not. Then at some point a Short Weird Guy wanted to let me know his friend wanted to talk to me. Uh yeah, what are we in middle school? I don’t think so pal. I informed him that we are in fact adults, if his friend wanted to converse he was going to have to put on his big boy pants and do it himself. Apparently, English was not Bad Pinstripe Suit’s first (or maybe even second) language so he needed a little help. He looked like a bad Eastern European version of Good Fellas. Seriously, I can’t make this shit up if I tried. Short Weird Guy interpreted my response with what I’m assuming was way less attitude because Pinstripe walked over and awkwardly attempted conversation. Whatever he said wasn’t worth remembering even in that moment so it was a pretty quick chat.

They left me alone and I had about a minute of peace before some other Heavily Accented Guy tried his hand at wooing me. More unimportant mind numbing conversation was had and I dismissed this guy. Sarah had also been occupied talking to a few lame guys at this point so neither one of us was doing particularly splendid that evening. Then yet another lovely fellow had to tell me how cute I am, my big eyes, and blah…blah…blah. He just was overplaying his hand and would not shut up. Then as most guys are hopeful that when they tell you they’re leaving you’ll just jump into their arms and hop into their bed. Sad Puppy let me know (more then once) he was about to head out and what was I doing. I charmingly told him I was still hanging out and would be going home ALONE.

The problem with guys like this is that sometimes the only way to get rid of them is to let them have your number then block them as soon as humanly possible. I turned to Sarah as soon as he left because my eyes would not stop rolling and I had to see if she had witnessed any of this. Within those 30 seconds Sad Puppy had texted me three times to tell me (again) how cute I am and had also called me. BLOCKED. Seriously?? How desperate are you? Guys, this is not the way to a ladies heart! Sincere compliments are awesome but we can tell when they’re not. This was just; well, it was just sad.

I wish I could tell you that this was the end of the evening but it’s not. There were also some free shots from the manager and the bartender. Then obviously Short Weird Guy had to come back for act two. I’m not sure how the conversation started or even why the words “I’m the man and as the woman you should listen to me” happened but they did. If you ever want to push my buttons and see me get all feminist and hulk smash on your ass now you know how. Oh Lord help him; I was PISSED (and drunk). My hand couldn’t emphasize by banging on the bar hard enough that “NOBODY AND I MEAN NOBODY TELLS ME WHAT TO DO!”   I also promptly told him “I’M AN ADULT AND I MAKE MY OWN DECISIONS!” Then he thought it would be cute to ask what would happen if I was married. Would I cook and make dinner for my husband? HULK SMASH YOUR FACE ASSHAT. My response was as such “What happens when I come home from work and I’m hungry?” “Who the hell is cooking for me?” “HUH? HUH?” Short Weird Guy started to look a little concerned but kept going anyway. I don’t even recall hearing anything else that came out of his mouth and I couldn’t have cared less. I told him he could “GO FUCK HIMSELF” and that this conversation was over. At this point I just swiveled my ass around and ignored his chauvinistic existence.

Basically this!

Basically this!

To make matters worse Sarah went back outside to have a cigarette and I might have threatened her life if she didn’t come back. I thought I had successfully evaded any further advances with my abrasive performance but no dice. FOR REALS. Heavily Accented Guy decided to try his luck again by telling me he was sorry about his friends. What in the actual fuck. You know Short Weird Guy? Get the FUCK out of my face right now-end quote. Thankfully this bonehead was able to pick up on my outward hostility and get out while he was still breathing.

Fortunately for me Sarah came back inside and had the same urgent need to get us out of there. NEVER AGAIN.

Kids, this is not the end of the story.

Epilogue: This past Friday we decided to hit up the wine bar again because why not? Guess who was there…just guess. Yep, Heavily Accented Guy. And of course, OF COURSE he recognized us. Turns out he is a moron and didn’t exactly remember much of the conversation. The icing on this very fucked up cake is that Short Weird Guy OWNS THE BAR. Moral of the story? I don’t give a shit who you are; if you piss me off I will cut you (ok, not actually cut you but you know what i mean).

Kill Refurb Marry: Songs From Animated Movies

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kill refurb marry logoHOLY CRAP. This month’s Kill Refurb Marry is crazy difficult! How am I supposed to pick just one song to marry within the vast pantheon of Disney animated moves?? That’s right, the topic is Songs from Disney’s Animated Movies. There are so many songs that I love and really not that many that bring up strong feelings of hate.  I even thought, “Maybe I’ll google a list and that will help.” UM NO. Not helpful in the least because now I have even more songs floating around in my head. Who goes? Who gets a makeover? Who reigns supreme?

Kill: I’m Wishing (from Snow White)

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Bitch Please (photo: Amazon.com)

I can’t with this song. A song where a mopey Princess waits around a stupid wishing well for her mopey lame Prince, its just blech. Why don’t you wish for a better song? Or how about you get to stepping Snow White and high tail it out of there before someone offers you an apple. I know, I know, a lot of these Princesses pine for a man but seriously JUST NO. My inner feminist is raging so fare thee well lady and get a Tinder account.

Refurb: Endless Night (from Broadway’s Lion King)

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ALL THE FEELS! (photo: lionking.com)

Before you get all uppity, hear me out on this one! I was so completely obsessed with this song as soon as I heard Jason Raize belt this out on Broadway. (I’m listening to it right now…uggh it’s so good!) As this is my blog I’ve decided that this Refurb will be an addition to a soundtrack instead! I really wish this could have been in the animated movie. There is so much raw emotion and eventually hope in this song; Endless Night indeed. The Lion King is already a wonderful movie with a fantastic soundtrack but this song could be an amazing addition. The teenager in me will forever hold out for Endless Night to be truly endless.

Runner Up: Love (from Robin Hood)

This song just isn’t that well known. I want to have this as my wedding song, seriously. Don’t steal it. Get it? Robin Hood…stealing…

Marry: A Whole New World (from Aladdin, obviously)

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I wonder how much flights cost on a magic carpet ride.. (photo: disneywikia.com)

This is a sappy favorite for me because (weirdly enough) I had my father-daughter dance to A Whole New World at my Disney themed Bat Mitzvah. It was a tough choice for a girl to make and honestly the DJ didn’t have that many great options for this particular party segment. In any case I do really love this song. Aladdin and Jasmine are realizing that love will lift them up where they belong. Or maybe that’s just the Magic Carpet or another song all together but you get my point. You can’t tell me that I’m the only one to bust out this duet with a friend (or two). The music is great, the lyrics are sweet, and if you don’t find yourself singing along (with hand motions) then there’s no hope for you.  Ever.  In life.

Runner Up: Part of Your World (from The Little Mermaid, duh)

Who doesn’t want to be where the people are? Want to see ‘em, see ‘em dancing? Walking around on those…what do you call them? Oh, FEEETTTT….

2nd Runner Up: Eye To Eye (from A Goofy Movie)

powerline

I’ve got myself a notion, one I know that you’ll understand (photo: last.fm)

Because POWERLINE.

This was really a brain-wracking topic, so thanks for that This Happy Place and Mouse on the Mind. I stick by my choices even if they aren’t within the rules but then again I was never a rule follower. Disney has so many wonderful songs and some that have become ear-worms. What would be your choices? As always, don’t forget to check out what everyone else has to say!

 

 

Charles James: I’ll Take One of Everything

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What does a girl do when she has a summer Friday? Go shopping? Enjoy the weather? Hit up Happy Hour early? Not this girl. I decided to take myself to The Met to see the Charles James: Beyond Fashion exhibit. The past week at work was pretty stressful and I needed a mental break. I can think of no better way to spend an afternoon then in my Happy Place surrounded by gorgeous couture.

Do these come in my size??

Do these come in my size??

I’m not going to give you a history lesson or lecture you on the fine points of pattern making and construction. What I will say is this exhibit was amazing and if you don’t check it out before it ends early next month you are CRAZY. James’ attention to detail, structure, and beauty is insane. I was mostly excited to see my favorite gown: The Four Leaf Clover Gown. I’ve seen it before at The Met but Oh God is it incredible. This gown looks so simple (it ain’t) and I love the contrast of the creamy white satin against the black velvet band. If I could have stolen this you know I would have in a heartbeat. Totally worth getting thrown in the clink.

Four Leaf Clover gown: 1953

Four Leaf Clover gown: circa 1953

Clover Gown with lace

Clover Gown with lace

There is another version of this dress with lace which I wouldn’t mind in my closet either but the deceiving simplicity of the white and black…it’s just so striking! This gown is in my opinion the ultimate showstopper. Actually there are so many gowns in this collection that qualify for the moniker of showstopper.photo 3-1

photo 2-1This is a two part exhibit; glamorous gowns and dresses that were more every day (I’m using that term loosely).   James created some amazing cocktail dresses, suits, and spectacularly constructed coats. The second section showed another side to the designer, a somewhat more practical side to the 1940’s-50’s woman. By practical, I still mean James’ precision and critical eye. There were more than a few coats I wouldn’t mind adding to my collection.photo 2-2

Ribbon Ball Gown, Dressing Gown, and Cape

Ribbon Ball Gown, Dressing Gown, and Cape

Accompanying each gown was a computer generated video which showcased the construction and pattern of the piece. There was even a moving arm complete with camera. The short videos examined the physical process of constructing various aspects of the individual gown, suit, or coat. It was so interesting to see exactly how James created his garments. Having the interior shown off really gave you a unique understanding of how incredibly detailed even a coat could be.

I'll take one of each please!

I am sure I can make room for all of these..

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Right side: Diamond Gown circa 1957

This exhibit was the perfect way to clear my mind and immerse myself in some much needed couture. I felt a calm settle over me as I wandered from beautiful gown to beautiful gown. I’ve always loved Charles James and that afternoon turned out to be just what I needed. Who couldn’t use a little couture every now and again?

Butterfly Gown: 1954

Butterfly Gown: circa 1954

Top right: Swan Gown circa 1955

Top right: Swan Gown circa 1955 | Bottom right: Lampshade Gown circa 1955

Everything and Nothing: A Madcap Recap

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I have been the absolute worst blogger ever. This is a penny poor excuse but there have been a lot of things happening and I haven’t been posting. It’s been busy and emotional in Erica with a C land; I could seriously use a break from life. So here’s a brief run down on what’s been going on…

I was going out but nothing to write a post about. There went May and with that a Memorial Day Weekend BBQ. Happy Hour drinks, nights out, and a few birthdays were celebrated. I ventured onto The Highline and Chelsea Market, which was really great. I’ve been to Chelsea Market numerous times but never to The Highline. You really should go; it was a lovely way to spend a day with some wonderful friends. It also gave me a chance to bust out a fantastic maxi dress and accessorize it. All the while Scotland Yard and I were still talking thanks to WhatsApp. I don’t even want to think about the cell phone bill I could have racked up if it weren’t for that app.

Dress and Jean Jacket: The Gap | Belt: J.Crew | Gladiator Sandals: Sam Edelman

Dress and Jean Jacket: The Gap | Studded Belt: J.Crew | Gladiator Sandals: Sam Edelman

There was also a night out in the Meat Packing District that reminded me of how much I hate going out there.  I don’t wait in line and I certainly don’t have patience for overly self-important door guys and promoters.  It was a great excuse to really get dressed up and that’s not something I do too often.  I wore the same dress I bought for a birthday a few years back and some fun jewelry.  We wound up having a good time but it was so not worth the hassle.

I'm so fancy, you already know..

I’m so fancy, you already know..

Before I knew it June rolled around and after talking to Scotland (a few times a week since we met) he decided to come back to NYC for three weeks.  Yep, FOR SERIOUS.  I had mentioned my birthday was in June and then here he was again.  There were real actual dates like going to the movies, dinner, drinks, and even The Met.  Checking out The Roof Garden Commission provided wonderful views of the city skyline and of course some refreshing beverages.  We hung out as much as possible in those three weeks and I have to say it was really nice.  What was not so nice was that he had to leave again.  I was an emotional mess and totally unprepared for FEELINGS.  We’re still talking and taking it day by day.  The distance is a bit of a bummer so who knows.  I have no idea what I’m doing but do I ever?

I did, however, manage to have a great birthday spent with close friends and coworkers.  This was the second year in a row that it rained and I’m starting to think that’s good luck.  Again I decided on a casual Happy Hour for my Friday the 13th Birthday and I couldn’t have asked for more.  Everyone who came to celebrate really made me feel loved and thankful to have so many wonderful people in my life.  Awwww.

Surprise cupcakes and my Disney girls (I totally jacked this photo from Katherine's instagram)

Surprise cupcakes and my Disney girls (I totally jacked this photo from Katherine’s instagram)

As it happens July followed June and now here we are.  I had an extremely productive Independence Day weekend, I finally moved!  Surprisingly, I planned ahead and made sure I was all packed up and ready with time to spare.  This was a welcome distraction and a change of scenery is never a bad thing.  I have an amazing patio and am way closer to Central Park.  It’s been really great; Sarah and I have taken full advantage of the situation.  There was also a random recent Friday night listening to the New York Philharmonic in the park.  A few friends and I sat on blankets, snacked, and drank wine.  Fireworks ended the evening in spectacular fashion.

A sunny Saturday in Central Park

A sunny Saturday in Central Park

Well, that’s what’s been going on here and the summer isn’t even over yet!  Not that I want the summer to be over but I could do without all this humidity.  This also means that my Wine and Dine Weekend Spectacular Disney trip is creeping closer.  I may or may not have bought another shirt for a Park outfit I’m putting together…

Kill Refurb Marry: Epcot Pre-Shows

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kill refurb marry logoOnce again Kill Refurb Marry has snuck up on me!  This month’s topic as chosen by the lovely ladies from This Happy Place and Mouse on the Mind is Epcot Pre-Shows.  Should I base this decision on music? Gimmicks? Or just something that tugs at my heartstrings?  This topic is a lot tougher then I realized; I honestly had a ton of trouble coming up with my choices.  So what did I choose? Read on to find out…

Kill:   Journey into Imagination…With Figment

I wouldn't look so happy if I were you Dreamfinder.. (photo: disneydreaming.com)

I wouldn’t look so happy if I were you Dreamfinder.. (photo: disneydreaming.com)

I don’t know if you’d really consider the queue or Dr. Nigel Channings’ unfortunate introductory speech to be a pre-show.  Thankfully for me this is my blog and I CAN DO WHAT I WANT.  This might really be an act of vengeance on behalf of the Dreamfinder but I want this whole thing blown to bits.  There’s really no rhyme or reason to my choice.  I just don’t frequent enough Circle-Vision shows to justify outright murder.   Call it petty but I stand by my decision.  Sorry Nigel, old chap, but you can take your “degree” and smell a skunk.

Refurb:  Universe of Energy (Ellen’s Energy Adventure)

What is 1995?  (photo: everythingmouse.com)

What is 1995? (photo: everythingmouse.com)

Oh Ellen, I do find you entertaining.  Sure the jokes are a bit on the corny side and the film itself is wildly outdated but it’s cute.  Who doesn’t love Jeopardy?? I have a sinking suspicion being a contestant on an energy themed episode would be a nightmare for just about anyone.  I only wish I had Bill Nye the Science Guy to guide me on a personal tour of Land of the Lost and teach me about the origins of fossil fuel.  While it’s all very sweet, this pre-show could use a Big Bang sized update.  Most of the references probably don’t even register into the collective consciousness of the younger crowd.  I will spare you a T-Rex like rant on the wardrobe, hair, and makeup choices going on.  I think Ellen and Bill Nye would still make a great team (and be relevant).  Disney could certainly afford to cough up some cash and make it happen.  I’ll take “Modern Wardrobe Choices” for $200 Alex!

Marry:  Illuminations: Reflections of Earth

Oooh pretty lights... (photo: disneyparksinfo.com)

Oooh pretty lights… (photo: disneyparksinfo.com)

Who does not get chills as Winnie the Pooh/Darkwing Duck (or Jim Cummings if you want to be all correct about it) starts his narration with “Good Evening.”  You must not have feelings or a beating heart.  The music starting to swell, the torches, dreams are on their way.  Let’s not forget the appearance of THE INFERNO BARGE! Fire good!  I can’t think of a better way to end a day at Epcot.  All it takes is that one moment and happiness is eminent.  This is a pre-show that holds it’s own and really sets the mood.  Illuminations, let’s you and me make some magical pyro babies.  I’ll even let the Earth Globe watch if that seals the deal.

Perhaps you strongly disagree with my definition of a pre-show but these were my picks.  What pre-shows would you choose?  Don’t forget to check out everyone else’s options.

Kill Refurb Marry: Disney Princesses

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kill refurb marry logoI’ve had a busy couple of weeks and been living in my own bubble. This led me to almost completely neglect Kill Refurb Marry this month! Yikes, how does anyone forget there is a royal execution to carry out? Killing a Princess was not as hard as I thought it was going to be. The real problem is figuring out the rest, there are so many great Royals. So without further ado let’s get that scaffolding ready…

Kill: Snow White

Wipe those tears, your time is up..

Wipe those tears, your time is up.. (image: Disney.com)

I know, I know, she’s the first Princess.  Snow White may be a product of the times but my modern sensibilities just can’t handle her sheep-like mentality.  I can’t get behind wishing for a Prince to come.  Snow White is so passive that it drives me nuts.  Girl, stop cleaning up after the Evil Queen, put down the broom (why are all these Princesses default maids?) and march the hell out of there.  Don’t go to a small dumpy cottage in the woods and clean that too.  History need not repeat itself!  Surely you have some modicum of self worth to not clean the house of everyone you meet??  Get thyself a new wardrobe, a job, and find your own damn man.  Also get a better one.  That Prince is no winner and is certainly not one for deep conversation.  Sure he’s pretty but what about long term? He doesn’t seem like a very proactive guy and kinda creepy.  Mostly silent Prince is willing to kiss some random chick in a COFFIN.  No thanks but I’ll pass.  I hate to do this but I’m going to need that poison apple recipe.

Refurb:  Ariel

ariel

Ugh, I want moooreee… (image: weheartit.com)

Honestly, I love Ariel but she could use a little heart to heart.  I like that she has dreams and believes in love.  I hate that her intense interest in wanting to be where the people are is (yet again) a man.  True her obsession with humans has been going on for some time.  I MEAN look at that grotto, gadgets and gizmos aplenty!  She’s a bit OCD, no?  Ariel is the youngest sister and lives a sheltered life in Atlantica.   So I get it.  Really I do but there has to be more to life then finding a beau.  She’s inquisitive, caring, and has such potential.  I would have really liked her to take those, what do you call them..feet…and do something a bit more productive then romp around for three days waiting for a kiss.  This ain’t 1989 anymore, sistas are doing it for themselves!

Runner Up: Aurora

What a dumb ass.  You know you’re not supposed to touch that spinning wheel but you do it anyway.  Stay asleep.

 

Marry: Mulan

mulan-women

Now this is a girl I can take home to mom (even if she’s technically not a Princess).  She’s tough, thinks for herself, and isn’t afraid to stand up for what’s right.  Mulan saves an entire freaking country!  This powerful lady was totally willing to step in for her Dad so she knows the value of family.  Maybe she has some authority issues and doesn’t always listen.  We have that in common so our marriage would surely be lively.  Mulan is a great role model for any kid, especially young girls.  I also really love that even though she gets a man in the end it was on her terms.  See?  I’m not such a Love hater.  Mulan, we can legally get married in New York.  I appreciate your reflection and who you are inside.

Runner Up: Jasmine

Jasmine could step in if Mulan doesn’t work out.  She craves adventure and being able to be her own woman.  I apparently like that in my women.  Lady, you don’t need a Genie.  I’ll make your wishes come true but keep the fancy jewels; we’re probably the same ring size.

Well, those were my choices.  Maybe you agree and maybe you don’t.  Did I unjustly murder your favorite Princess?  Who would you knock off?  Thanks once again to the ladies of  This Happy Place and Mouse on the Mind for another great brain rattling topic.  Don’t forget to check out all the other blogs and their picks!

Clandestine Affair: Is That A Kilt Or Are You Just Happy To See Me

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I have a really uncanny knack for attracting guys that are so un-American (complete with accents).  It’s not something I do purposely but it tends to just happen.  Allow me to elaborate…

When you have Good Friday off there’s no better reason to enjoy Happy Hour Thursday.   At least Sarah and I attempted to make it to Happy Hour but to no one’s surprise we completely missed it.  Because I left work later then originally anticipated, I hopped over to Sarah’s so we could catch up while getting ready.  Since I was coming from my super casual office I wore a ripped t-shirt with skinny jeans and boots.  I put my hair in a half up Dutch braid and fixed my eye makeup.  Too much girl talk, Tindering, and a bottle of wine later we were ready to pounce, errr, bounce.  I had some drink coupons left over from a previous night out and figured celebrating Sarah’s birthday was a great excuse.  With drink tickets in hand we went to my favorite Happy Hour bar.

Let me tell you, this is not necessarily the place to meet guys.  I don’t go there for the crowd; I go for the delicious Passion Fruit and Lychee martinis.  I’ve said it before but it’s an interesting mix of people and you never know who will talk to you.  I’ve actually been there on a date or two, the red lights and atmosphere lend itself to a rendezvous.  Sarah and I found seats at the bar and got to ordering.  Some fairly harmless guys chatted us up and the mischief began.  I couldn’t even tell you what mundane things we were talking about, it wasn’t that interesting.  At some point these jokers realized I was a white girl with a BOOTY.  If you know me at all, you know I couldn’t let those mildly average guys get away with that unscathed.  I had to turn the tables so they could see how it feels.  Comparing their respective asses was the least I could do.  Which led to typical puffing of the male ego and I was forced to decide who had the better butt.  They were both fairly flat and equally as lame.  The only fair way to judge this particular challenge was with a firm grasp.  Oh YES.  Asses were grabbed and this time it wasn’t mine!  The final decision was a draw; there could be no victor.

(photo: someecards.com)

(photo: someecards.com)

Retiring my judge’s robes, I decided to move on.  Or at least that’s how I vaguely remember it going.  The reality is I probably got bored and figured I would eventually find someone better to talk to.  I have a bad habit of leaving guys stranded and finding someone cuter.  Oopsies.  At any rate I took the seat next to Sarah and bought her a shot in honor of her birthday.  At some point a very bald man sat down next to me and started talking to us.  I have to say as many times as I’ve been to this bar I’ve learned the bar tender’s name but never the owner.  Very Bald Man as it so happens is the owner.  He also had some type of porkpie hat, which I disapprove of greatly.  It looks freaking stupid and we all know you are as hairless as a Sphinx Cat.  Nonetheless I was not going to let his poor fashion decisions stop me (and Sarah) from accepting free booze.  He was nice enough and the conversation was not as bad as his headgear.

A lovely blonde girl also seemed to know Very Bald Man and we all started talking.  Not only did I meet the owner but I also made a new friend.  Blonde hasn’t been in NYC too long but we discovered we are both in the same industry.   She was super nice and we have plans to hang out again.  It’s hard to make new friends as an adult and she even joked about how weird this potentially could have been.  Blonde and I also managed to evade a rather strange guy successfully.  We had a bonding moment; I mean what’s a better way to make friends then to avoid a creeper together?

I know I promised a foreign accent and here is where he comes in so RELAX.  I know you were worried.

Honestly after being half a bottle of wine, free drinks, and free shots in I don’t recall exactly how we started talking but it happened.  Clearly, the first thing I noticed was that he had an accent.  This time I’ve visited a different part of the United Kingdom: Scotland.  That’s a new one for me.  Sure there have been a few Brits and an Irishman or two but never Scottish.  I’m a sucker, what can I say?  We talked about the difference between NYC and Scotland, good bars here, and life in general.  Scotland Yard was explaining to me that he found himself acting/speaking differently for fear of NYers not being able to understand him.  I put a stop to that immediately.  There may or may not have a speech given about being who you are and not changing to please other people.  Apparently that makes me a strong woman and a bit of a feminist.  Seriously, there is no better panty dropper then a hot accent and when he throws around “a wee bit” casually how can you say no?

I’m sure flirting was also thrown in for good measure.  The conversation kept flowing and before we knew it last call approached.  Sarah was talking to another guy and we had all been sitting at a banquette.  Once the lights went on Sarah and I gave each other the “we’re ready to get out of here look.”  So that’s what happened.  I made sure Sarah got a cab (ALONE) and Scotland Yard and me walked back to my place.  I will spare you the details but I will say Scotland Yard knows how to solve a case.

Ok, now this drives me nuts and not in a good way.  He likes to cuddle…uuughhhh, I hate that.  Didn’t we just do enough touching?  Can’t I just roll over and go to sleep?  Why am I always the MAN??  STOP. TOUCHING. ME.  This was a great source of amusement for Scotland Yard but we finally got comfortable.  Numbers were exchanged and the promise of seeing each other later was made.  I figured this was it and he would disappear into the ether.  This was not to be so!

(photo: quickmeme.com)

(photo: quickmeme.com)

To my utmost surprise and shock, he actually followed through.  Later that day a text was received and dinner/drinks plans were made for that night.  I figured why not, I would just go with the flow for once (instead of overthinking it and living in my head).  We walked around St. Mark’s and settled on Thai food.  Dinner conversation was all over the place, which is a good thing.  We exchanged stories about growing up, our families, and he told me he used to be in a band (they toured, whatever that means).  Damn it, another fucking musician.  There is no denying I have a type and follow a pattern.  Another bar and a few more drinks later we once again headed back to my place.

We hung out in bed for a while the next morning even though he was really here for work.  Apparently I’m very distracting.  I’m also very kissable, which seriously makes me uncomfortable.  Mushy sentiments just feel so strange when you’re thrown lines (many horrible, horrible lines) every time you go out.  I really don’t know how to not want to vomit.  I just nodded and smiled not wanting to offend Scotland Yard; he did seem sincere after all.  Again I got the “I’ll text you later” line but again I’m not one to put any weight behind it.  Also, he was heading back to Scotland the next day so I didn’t think I would be hearing from him later.

Color me surprised when he texted me that evening.  (I know, I know, he’s getting some ass so it’s not all that shocking.)  Luckily I was already out with some friends. This meant I bothered to do my hair, makeup, and put on a cute outfit.  We met up for a few drinks and more conversation.  Scotland Yard talked about how different going out here is versus home and how much he was going to miss NY.  Once again last call passed and the lights were turned on.  Following the trend we went back to my place.  More cases were solved and…ughhh…more cuddles were had.

Unfortunately the weekend had come to an end and Scotland Yard had to high tail it home across the pond.  We’ve already talked and he even sent me the pic we took together (his idea, not mine, I swear!).  There is no possible way to not laugh when you hear the word selfie in a Scottish accent.  Will I ever see him again, who knows?  What I learned is that I can be a girl sometimes, Pringle makes things other then sweaters, and I still love accents.

 

Awesomely Single: You Can’t Teach An Old Dog New Tricks

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Dating websites and apps are the gifts that just keep giving. I know I’ve already composed one of these lists but I couldn’t resist adding another. It is amazing to me how many guys think these ideas and pictures will get them a great catch. Even if they’re only looking for a little fun this is not the way to get it, that’s what bars are for. I mean REALLY now. Clearly my heartfelt words of advice have fallen on deaf ears. Ladies, since the fellas have learned nothing I can only hope you take away some more pointers. Please read on for signs things are not as they seem…

Preach the Truth!

Preach the Truth!

  • He has photos with infants or children. You are fooling no one, those are your babies and I don’t want no baby mama drama.
  • A mask of some sort is covering the entirety of his face. Unless your name is Christine and you’re into kinky half face Phantom of the Opera shit I advise you to swipe left.
  • Striking a pose where he is giving The Finger. This has become a somewhat alarming trend lately. Are you giving me the finger? Why would I want to date you?
  • This classic: Shirtless-ness. Bonus points for dripping sweat. We get it, you work out.
  • There is a girl in the photo. Ladies that is not his sister/cousin/bffl. That right there is his GIRLFRIEND and/or LOVER.
  • Using an exotic locale as a backdrop. This is the only interesting place he’s ever been and he’s going to milk it for all it’s worth.
  • Photo of a celebrity instead of his face: he looks like the exact opposite of Brad Pitt/Leonardo DiCaprio/Justin Timberlake or even Christian Bale in American Psycho. Most likely he closely resembles Quasimodo.
  • If he’s kissing someone else on the mouth he’s hoping you’ll make it a threesome.
  • Names w/ sexual innuendos; such as stud or a classy number like 69. This choice tells me all I need to know and wish I didn’t.
  • Posing with a dog in photo, it is probably not theirs. Who doesn’t love puppies? I certainly do but I know that’s your friend’s dog. I’m not taking the bait you false animal aficionado.
  • WEDDING RINGS. I really wish I were joking.
  • Pretending you’re not the groom and that’s not your bride. Seriously, one guy was trying to pass off the Best Man angle. HI. I can see you’re wearing the tux and lovingly caressing your wife’s face.
  • Mirror selfie complete with duck lips. I’m no stranger to selfies either but I’m usually talking about my outfit. Plus no guy should use duck lips. Quack, Quack motherfuckers.
  • He’s completely facing away from the camera, as in you’re looking at his back. I’m guessing he’s a leper and has no nose.
  • Party photos are not going to woo anyone. I’m just sayin’.
  • An extremely obvious flashback photo. You are not 5 years old any more (or in college for that matter), which leads me to believe you still act that way.
  • They’re lying down in bed. Um, creepily starting into the camera does not make me want to get to know you. I might want to smother you with that pillow though.
  • Handstands and other various yoga poses. This kind of goes along with gym photos but I’m still not impressed.
  • Tigers. WTF? I’m so glad you went to a Big Cat Animal Shelter and let that tiger jump on your back. That’s the only thing that’s going to be jumping on your back.

    Don't cry for me Argentinaaa..

    Don’t cry for me Argentinaaa..

I can safely say this could possibly be only the second list in a series of never ending lists. Guys, you should really consult someone before using these photos. Surely you must have a least one female friend who could help you out?

 

Misadventures in Dating: A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Bar

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How does a girl go from being stood up to hit on to called a bitch in about one hour? Let me explain…

Last week I had been chatting with a guy on OkCupid and things were going well.  There was small chitchat, talk about general interests, and we seemed to have some things in common.  I should have been wary when he suggested we grab drinks that night but he was open to meeting the following evening instead.  He asked for my number and we agreed on a time for drinks.  I figured what the hell, couldn’t be any worse then the guy who turned out to be married.  That was NOT cute but we only went on three dates; bullet dodged.  Anyway, Potential Date was going to text me at some point on Friday to let me know where we were meeting.

Guys, you are lazy and very bad about timing.  Even though I hadn’t heard from him I went home after work to get ready and didn’t really think too much of it.  Testing girls on their willingness to go somewhere on the fly, being easy going, and not a “princess” is completely the opposite of awesome BTW.  We like to look nice and there’s also the venue to factor in when picking an outfit.  Please, gentlemen we would greatly appreciate it if you took that into consideration.

So, I’m in the midst of my getting ready process (running a little bit behind as usual) and still nothing.  By this point it was becoming clear he had decided it wasn’t necessary to follow through on either the date or any type of communication.  Seriously, all it takes is one lazy/lame text to get yourself out of it.  “Hey, something’s come up and I can’t make it.” Is that really so difficult?  It’s a text and come on, we’re not idiots.  We can take a hint if you’d be kind enough to not just drop off the face of the Earth or get hit by a bus or come down with a sudden case of amnesia.

shirt :  Alternative Apparel   jeans : Joe's Jeans shoes: Via Spiga

shirt : Alternative Apparel   jeans : Joe’s Jeans  shoes: Via Spiga  wine: Blue Fin

After fresh hair, makeup, and a really cute outfit there was no way in hell I was staying in!  Thankfully the lovely Sarah was up for a night out.  Since I had kind of sprung this on her she still needed to get ready.  The only reasonable solution was for me to grab us a bottle of wine from trusty old Trader Joe’s and head to her place while she was getting herself together.  Of course it had to start raining and I had no umbrella.  Not to be deterred, I threw my jacket over my head and hauled ass to the subway.  Unfortunately it was not a smooth run.  Some guy stopped me and I thought he must need directions.  Why else would you stop someone in the rain who’s obviously in a bit of a rush to get somewhere?  No such luck.  Lame-o starts fumbling about how this might be awkward and he knows it’s raining but he had to say something.  He noticed me in Trader Joe’s Wine Shop and had to follow me out in order to talk.

Uhhh…I’m not sure why you thought that was adorable to admit you followed me out of a store selling alcoholic beverages into the rain but NO.  JUST NO.  I know, I know, I’m cute but this was not the work of a genius.  I was all like “Really, it’s raining and I have to be somewhere”.  Lame-o was all like “No come on, what’s your name”.  Not going to happen.  Then he starts walking next to me down the sidewalk insisting I give him my name.  I was insistent on remaining anonymous.   Apparently, politely declining a creeper gets you called a BITCH.  I’m sorry but just because I don’t give you the reaction you’re looking for that does not make me a BITCH.  If I told you to fuck off then perhaps but even then that’s not the best way to prove you’re someone I should have given my name to.  There were small children present so I decided not to curse when I yelled back at him that “OH REALLY, THAT’S HOW IT IS NOW??”

Ugghhh.  With that lovely interaction complete I dashed to the subway.  This went down all within an hour and the night was just beginning!

This is super easy to do! A quick cute hairdo in about 5 minutes, really!

This is super easy to do! A quick cute hairdo in about 5 minutes, really! Bonus: Sarah’s canine baby, Kiki

Once I reached Sarah’s apt I caught her up on all my drama.  While we drank the bottle of wine she got dressed, did her make up, and I did her hair.  There is nothing a Dutch braid can’t fix!  We took our adorable selves to one of our regular spots, had some drinks, and procured free drinks as well.  Sarah found some guys she liked and I thought it best to play wing woman at this point.  The friend of the friend apparently told Sarah that he was really into me and liked girls who play hard to get.  Oh honey, that was not playing hard to get.  That was playing not interested.  I’m not sure what part of you guys aren’t my type was confusing or that I told your friend to 100% not pick me up off the actual ground or I would punch him.  You can guess what happened.

Someone please explain to me why every single freaking guy always wants to literally pick me up.  I AM NOT A DOLL.  I will not go quietly into the night.  I will, however, punch the shit out of you.

Outtakes! I have no idea how to pose..

Outtakes! I have no idea how to pose..

Lesson to be learned?  Never waste a good outfit; you have no idea where the night might take you.  What started out as a shitty evening actually turned out to be pretty fun, even if I had to defend the right to walk on my own two feet.  I’M A MODERN WOMAN DAMNIT!

 

Ca Alors: Luck of the Irish

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After a couple of crazy weeks at work this girl needed a night out.  I knew Sarah would (as always) be happy to lend an assist in trouble causing.  With the weather being pretty nice this past Saturday I decided I was going to dress like it was Spring, never mind the temperatures dipping back down a bit at night.  Since it was a beautiful day I took advantage and ran a few errands.  Errands in Erica with a C Land always devolve into shopping.  Bad Erica!  I had already bought a pair of Joe’s jeans at the Nordstrom Rack on my way home from work during the week.  Luckily for me ankle length jeans are the perfect length and don’t need to be shortened (like every other pair of jeans I own-being short is rough).

I just knew that Sarah and I would make this a late night out aside from it being St. Patrick’s (pre?) weekend.  This called for a statement top to pair with my new very skinny jeans.  While wandering around the Flatiron District I stumbled onto the perfect piece.  It spoke to me with the promise of warmer weather and free drinks.  I’ve come to realize I have a penchant for backless (or sheer) shirts, sue me.  Honestly I blame it on having previously worked in lingerie.  I own some really great sets and why should only a select few get to see them?  There’s something really appealing to me about a peek of lacy lingerie.  Although in this case it was more of an eyeful.  I have this really pretty bra with fantastic lace combined with an almost utilitarian back closure and straps.  It went perfectly with the cut of the new top.

Sweet and Innocent first impressions...

Sweet and Innocent first impressions…

The light steel grey color of my tank lent itself to silver jewelry.  I broke out another necklace given to me by Grandma, which she purchased for herself in Arizona.  Every time I wear it someone always compliments it, I am certainly not complaining.  For earrings I went with simple silver hoops and a few knuckle rings.  Not wanting to overload on the silver I only wore one bracelet on the arm with the fewest rings.   I had originally hoped to wear open toe booties but I figured a backless top was enough homage to the impending Spring season.  Instead, I wore my amazing Sakura II heels from Miss Sixty with a ginormous hidden platform.  I am so TALL in them!

No platform is too high!

No platform is too high!

With a neutral smoky eye, lip-gloss, pre-game drinks, and a vintage boys paisley blazer I was ready to hit the town.

My wardrobe says it's officially Spring!

My wardrobe says it’s officially Spring!

Sarah and I decided to bar hop and check out the drunken masses while we waited for the wasted patrons to call it a night.  After a few places we found a good spot and hit the dance floor.  We started talking to one guy and he was all right, if not a little boring.  I think a cigarette break was thrown in there somewhere so we could hit pause on the impending snooze fest.  A Frenchman and his appropriately Irish friend approached me once we made it back inside.  Let me tell you, a French accent is super hot.  At one point Viva la France and I were have a 3-year-old child’s Spanish level conversation.  Leave it to me to be speaking in horrible Spanish in a bar with a French guy during St. Patrick’s weekend.  In this midst of all this I decided his name was not stereotypically French enough.  I started calling him “Pierre” and “François” and he did not argue.  I’m not sure how I got away with referring to him by those interchangeable names but it was hilarious.  Drinks were bought, flirtations were had, and we all wound up back at my apt.

A last look back..

A last look back..

You better believe French accents in a bar are nothing compared to French accents outside of a bar.  Ladies (or guys) I highly recommend you try it when given the opportunity.  When Viva la France started speaking in French I had no fucking clue what he was saying and frankly it didn’t matter.