Even though Valentine’s Day is just about over (or maybe it is, depending on when you’re reading this) something tells me the World of Dating is still out there causing problems. I’m thinking this is the time of year (aside from the whole winter holiday season) where dating websites are picking up a lot of memberships. As someone who’s on a dating website and various apps, I thought I would share some words of wisdom, things to look out for, and a few tips. I’ve learned some things and hopefully my sarcasm in the form of advice will be helpful. If you haven’t figured it out by now I’m a big fan of lists so we’ll just get right down to it…
- If he’s wearing a hat in his initial profile picture there’s a very high chance he’s bald/has a majorly receding hairline/has a five-head.
- If you can barely see his face or it’s a long distance shot he most likely has some type of genetic mutation/butter face/missing teeth.
- If he’s not even in the pic, i.e. it’s his dog/cat/sports logo: RUN, GIRL, RUN
- When it’s a group shot with no obvious main character, he’s the ugly one and his friends are definitely cuter. He’s trying to lure you in with promises of attractiveness-just not his…
- He’s checked off looking for new friends/activity partners, well, I think we all know what he’s really looking for. SEX! Seriously, who is looking for friends on a DATING website. No new friends!
- He doesn’t list his height; he probably doesn’t meet most rollercoaster height requirements.
- When he’s holding an alcoholic beverage or drinking an alcoholic beverage in all of his photos, he might as well have an IV drip of vodka (which doesn’t sound like a bad idea).
- He continues to put off meeting you in person, he’s obviously not who he says he is.
- Google/Facebook stalking (to a degree) is your friend. I’m not necessarily one for this behavior but a certain someone convinced me I should. We found out a guy I had gone on a few dates with turned out to be MARRIED. Yeah, you should check your privacy settings. Which leads to the next bullet point:
- Just because they say they’re single it’s not always true (mostly it is but you can never be too sure).
- Your wifed up friends will tell you you’re being “too picky.” I think this list is proof that is a lie.
- When friends say “but he’s sooo nice.” He’s mildly attractive and possibly a push over. If you are not initially attracted to him or can’t at least see the potential, it ain’t gonna change lady.
- If his mom is his best friend then there’s nothing more I need to say.
- Personally, I don’t think there is such a thing as being too picky. I know what I want and what I’m attracted to. If that’s not you then why waste our time?
- When your friends ask you: “What are you doing with your life?” (Aka, why are you not attached) It’s perfectly ok to tell them: “Shut the fuck up, with love, of course.”
- Lastly and most importantly know this. You are fabulous and you deserve to be happy with someone you deem worthy. Zero fucks given.
Take this list with a grain of salt; however, there are some truths in this. Everyone wants to be happy, whatever road that takes you down. If you find THE ONE that is fantastic, if you are your own THE ONE, then that’s fantastic too.
Erica with a C 